Embracing my husbands sweatpants

As a mom I spend a lot of time comparing my family and self to others. Not in an “I’m better” or “I’m worse” but in an “Is this shit normal?” sort of way. And truth be told I do sometimes find myself falling down that rabbit hole of “Am I the only one who didn’t brush their teeth this morning?” comparison. 

See we live in a great town with awesome moms who rock the lulu and always have great hair. And often times I’m just looking like a rock, found under some dirt that could use a few more hours of sleep.

To be honest for a while I let myself feel horrible about it. I let myself feel like I didn’t belong. I let my bank account get a little too low trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Then few months ago something happened. I was at an all time low. I hated everything about myself and thought I was a horrible mom and an even worse wife. I weighted almost as much as when I was pregnant and couldn’t lose the weight no matter “how hard I tried” It wasn’t that hard of a try to be truthful.

None of my pants fit but I refused to buy anything bigger than a large. So one day with laundry backed up and nothing else to ware I put on a pair of my husbands sweatpants. I stood there looking at my body, the stretch marks from two children, the scars for surgeries, the pale skin tone from lack of sun. And I stood there. In my skin. For the first time actually thinking about myself and my being. Was this my “perfect body”? Was this where I was happiest?

I knew it wasn’t. But it still was my body and myself. Then a little voice from when I was young and stupid piped up. “It’s not the  best or the worst of anything until you’re done.”

It was something I had embraced when I was working through some depression when I was young. It means there’s always time to improve or change. So standing there I embraced my husbands sweatpants and thought “No, this isn’t the best me. But this is me and that’s enough for today.” I got so much laundry done. Didn’t put any of it away but hey whatever.

It’s funny what a change in view can do for you. Shortly after that moment I started back up with hot yoga. Not to lose weight but to have something that was mine and for me to enjoy with no other strings attached. I found myself buying better foods at the grocery store. Meal prepping became easier. And I stopped stepping on the scale. I let go of the ideas I wasn’t good enough, that I had to change to be better. I wanted to feel better so I decided to. I’m thankful I was able to decide that.

I also started talking to other moms about how I was feeling. Being honest with myself and them. You know what I found out? We all have our scars, our weight we carry, and if you brushed your teeth at noon, you still brushed your teeth. And a coffee meet up can always help.

So today take a moment and sit in your skin. How do you feel? Why do you feel that way? Leave an honest note so we all know we’re no alone.


8 thoughts on “Embracing my husbands sweatpants

  1. Jessie Hopkins says:

    I love this Ari!!! Thank you for your beautiful honesty. So glad you’ve found something that is yours. While I’m not a mom, you’re expressing things that I already find myself worrying about when we do have children. Not being good enough, not “losing the baby weight”, being too tired for life, losing myself. Now I know that when that time comes if I have those feelings (and I totally will) that I won’t be alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. N says:

    Your honesty. …your strength and ability to acknowledge inspire me. Yup we have all been there…still do ….. yes I drove my son to the bustop in my pj’s …no I didn’t shower today …I have had those days ..and it is,all about anyone else out there or is this just me. ..no its everyone. .but the the inner strength to admit it speaks volumes for the super woman you really are

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cristine says:

    Hi, Ari. Beautiful piece of writing. Even at my old age I feel down, very fat and useless. Sometimes it Takes a lot to shake out of it. Today I started exercising. Going next week for some sun. My classes start soon, too, so things are on the up and up.
    Love you.
    Aunt Cris.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ramona Black says:

    (Thought I had posted this, but it didn’t come through). I had serious struggles with body image growing up. I experienced both ends of the eating disorder cycle. I was morbidly obese as a teen, I got up to around 230 when I stopped even weighing myself. Peers would moo and oink when they drove past me if I was walking down the street. I was eating ice cream one day and a grown woman came up to me and said, “Dear, you have such a pretty face. Do you really think you should be eating things like that when you already have a weight problem?” She said this to my face, a total stranger.

    Eventually I lost weight, but I always had eating issues. I couldn’t eat unless other people were eating. The second they were done, I stopped eating. Didn’t matter if I still had food left or was hungry. And I could never eat anything fattening in public. Ever.

    Then I discovered “diet pills”. You went to this clinic and paid $125 (which was a lot for that time, but you sure wouldn’t be spending money on food). You were either there for back pain or diet and the clinic was packed. They weighed you, checked your heart, gave you a vitamin B shot, took your money and handed you a month’s supply. I got down to 148 and I’m tall. That is WAY too thin for my frame. But, I kept telling myself just two more pounds, three more pounds. I ate when I saw spots in front of my eyes.

    One day I just stopped. I had gotten to the point that even this “doctor” couldn’t justify giving me amphetamines and I was seriously debating wearing ankle weights under big pants to try and get the scale to the magic pill number. I thought about doing that and just stopped. I gained weight back, but didn’t let it get to me. I started enjoying food, stopped weighing myself three times a day and stopped caring if I put on a few pounds.

    We are our worst nightmares to ourselves. We need to talk to ourselves the way we talk to a friend. We need to encourage and compliment, if we need to point out a flaw we do it with love in our heart. Get rid of the inner mean girl who is tearing us apart for no reason. We need to calm down and breathe.

    And occasionally eat ice cream.

    Liked by 1 person

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